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作者: playingtoy 時間: 2010-12-10 23:42 標題: posting my story for entertainment

EXEMPTION FROM WORK - autobiography of an ex mental-health self-proclaimed pseudo patient

Many years ago I was looking into the Human Mind (& my mind) and decided to become Crazy.

Since I personally at the time being truly did not know what craziness was all about and all I could get from the media were writings and documentations of the mentally ill, and mostly expressionless people in gowns walking in slow-mo in rooms with mild-colored walls doing nothing all day long (and short) staring into the emptiness making strange and weird comments if any at all required by the etiquette about himself herself the surroundings without the second thought of being politically incorrect or in any ways inappropriate according the the circumstances if any, and will collapse at anytime under any kinds of deadlines of work family love career goals and or the middle of important ceremonial rituals dinners social gatherings etc without prior notices. And those who are on a life-threatening mode, to him/herself or others, are usually more isolated either strapped down to a bed or locked up in a room sedated by the meds and possibly without even the strength to bite his/her own tongue while s/he is still awake and these are not animals but human beings we are talking about.

In terms of artistic and theatrical values I became the Crazy Guy. For the sake of, and without the prior knowledge, the intrinsic fundamental difference between real-good-craziness and, real-bad-craziness. You can read the following as a confession of a lost soul.

Freedom vs the sane, mundane, self-perpetuating periodically-recurring flaring-subsiding cycles. And I have to emphasize I went through the fundamentals of theatrical training: drama, performing arts, Constantin Stanislavski, Christ Burden. During the era, there was no Borat yet. And by giving myself into an art-form "which I believed as the ultimate characterization amongst all kinds of art" which happens within and without the media, blending actors and audiences together, and not drawing the line by the consciousness of being in / and looking at an art. a move. a TV show. With all of our senses heightened at the moment in order to perceive and to know / and to withdraw and to forget.

Here were the steps: I went through The Ministry of Social Development and other major and minor departments. In less than 2 weeks period of time they already gave me a place to live. And of course we went through lots of drama that I am mentally ill and I don't know where to go what to do and everyone involved, especially the housing advocate, were apparently buying my show. At one point I put myself into an emotional scene by shedding tears in the DERA office (Downtown Eastside Residence Association) And my housing advocate stood up, walked across the desk and gave me a few long long hugs, which until today I still feel the lack of remorse on my side in playing the minds of complete strangers, especially the honest ones full of unconditional love, with my acting technique. For I know, the reason I was there, was to get a place to live, get monthly cheques from the Government, possibly for the rest of my life, for free.

And if I were to do that successfully, without any obligation on my side, the foremost prerequisite was never to show anybody what I was able to do. In another words, I had to be disabled. Under the condition I have zero physical disabilities which can be seen nor diagnosed, the only option left was: to create a mental illness which only I, and ME only, have complete access. In order for the mental disability to be real, I have to believe in it in the first place, before anyone else.

From day to day cores, functioning of the body and the brain, to the basic coordination in swinging the right arm forward when stepping out the left feet, to saying hello and good-bye, greeting people whom you know with a smile, to little movements which I considered as under-categorized in public such as picking nose, scratching arsehole, which have long been suppressed in (some part of) our civilization and will lead the mind to think of badness and wrong. Both the body, and the mind, have to be reformed, or in my case, upgraded, to the stage of complete disintegration, in order for myself to be qualified. And once you get there, it wouldn't be surprising when you have paramedics and medical professionals who repeatedly asked you the same question, " Do you know where you are ? "

And I know by experience, questions and statements of the kind and alike are meant to demean an individual. But I was in the middle of big business so I wouldn't care. And when it came to the exposure of your mind, such as filling out an application form, always make sure you are disabled and you cannot read. Nor write. in the right way. And if you are required to do so, by standard procedures and protocols, try to find a balance to show others: what you want them to know and what they don't need to know. Misspell your own name is an option but I did not.

Anyways.

Within 4-5 weeks of weekly interviews taken place, the mental health team had gathered enough "documentation" of my "mental illness" and made some arrangements, without my prior knowledge (for the common good). My bed, my ward, my professional team, nutritionist, macho male nurses aka security guards and possibly professional wrestlers etc were all set at Riverview Hospital awaiting for this CCC (Crazy Chinese Caveman) from the street. And one clear morning around 10ish in my SRO I was about to head out for my binning route and my case worker came knocked on my door and "invited me to go sign some documents" (that was what he said but wasn't what he truly meant) (which I shouldn't mind because I was the liar in the first place) at the doctor's office. And within 1 to 1.5 hrs of my arrival being completely bored not knowing what was going on but patient enough not to bother anyone (or in medical terms: catatonia), I saw a few policemen and paramedics walking into the office. With all kinds of tools on their waist, which they will use according to their judgement of the situation. And without coincidence, the situation they were about to face, was me. And I was not ready to coincide, nor go inside, with them.

作者: Prelude 時間: 2010-12-11 00:58

SHEET, then you were forced to take the pills and make you real crazy like now.
And the male nurses do all kind gay fcuking crap on you in your room, just because they can.
Did they use lube?

作者: playingtoy 時間: 2010-12-11 02:05

Verbally they made it clear to me that I was going to the hospital with them whether I want to or not. Gladly they were all very polite despite my anti-social avant-garde character (or the absence of any characters) and they had never exerted any physical forces on behalf of the law, the society, the order they have just received nor the concern for their own safety. And I walked into an ambulance the first time ever in my whole life. They did not turn the siren on for that particular trip, but in an ideal world I should have requested at least a young and gentle female escort with complementary meals deserts cigarettes and alcohol of my choice for the ride and if there were any residual and unwanted nicotine tobacco smoke exhaled from my lungs it sure could be blown into an empty oxygen tank and saved as a sample for the next second hand smoking & your health test. Meanwhile in the Real World, I remembered I forgot to close the window in my flat cause I thought I was just gonna sign some documents.

作者: 匿名 時間: 2010-12-11 02:39

翻譯的人到左未﹖

作者: sheep 時間: 2010-12-11 08:31

so they allow you to access internet @ Riverview

作者: somewhereintime 時間: 2010-12-11 08:39

回復 3# playingtoy

You always have fascinating story, amazing!!

作者: playingtoy 時間: 2010-12-11 12:16

SHEET, then you were forced to take the pills and make you real crazy like now.
And the male nurses ...
Prelude 發表於 2010-12-11 00:58

You've got the first part right. I was forced to take the pills. Either that or injection at a certain point. The second part: Am I real crazy now. I will say NO in terms of mental health act in public. But deep inside I say YES for the sake of my freedom and liberation of my soul. And the third part about male nurses and XXX and lube. I did not have a chance to ask if any of them have such a fantasy. Anyways my mental health record is supposed to be confidential, and I am truly confused how things truly work. For example, every time I was checked by a peace officer whom I do not know, I will think about asking him or her: Can you see my mental health record on your laptop. And when I go renew my driver's license, they asked me: do you have any mental illness / disability. And I was like: Don't you ICBC have Vancouver Coastal Health's file about me.

作者: playingtoy 時間: 2010-12-11 12:42

so they allow you to access internet @ Riverview
sheep 發表於 2010-12-11 08:31

有架。圖書館入面有互聯網。

作者: Prelude 時間: 2010-12-11 17:39

Did they ask you not to have sex or babies to ruin the next generation?
Do they care about your sex life?

作者: playingtoy 時間: 2010-12-11 20:13

11. The right to privacy for sexual activity between adult patients subject to capacity to consent and to engage in safe sexual practices.

http://www.bcmhas.ca/NR/rdonlyre ... _Patient_Rights.pdf

作者: playingtoy 時間: 2010-12-11 22:33

So there I was, on an ambulance 1st time ever in my life heading to "Riverview", a term which I've never heard of at all and what the heck, I had no choice but to comply. I mean, seeing the cops with guns and handcuffs along their waists and they looked like as if they were doing something crucial, which was: to take this guy aka me, downstairs onto the ambulance, pre-booked, and make sure he wouldn't do anything stupid.

First they searched through my pockets, and before that they asked me if I had any weapons. And I made a request to go to the bathroom b4 getting onto the ambulance. I needed to calm down I thought. Plus at least I got a certain degree of privacy back in a washroom so I can think.

作者: playingtoy 時間: 2010-12-12 21:48

神經餅

他們問我一條數學問題，我便唸九因歌「三三該九，六四廿四」心裡還在計算。然后，女心理醫生跟男心理學家，她的拍檔，說一些我聽不懂的英語，大意為：did you hear him talking to himself right in front of us。還欠我的X射線段層掃描。我在騙政府錢。螳螂捕蟬黃雀在後就係我個KC。在河景醫院住了四十四天。隨便你點講，總之我有我食垃圾。呢個係我既人權。我認為我沒有侵略性只不過在垃圾堆內翻騰。偶爾在糊亂望胡言亂語。只因互戀網比較衛生病毒細菌出於意念。科學鑑證一團思想。從一點到另一點。從一念到另一臉。在靜在動沒有動靜。雖不是在海上也要游泳。你不游便是屈原。有意猶疑無意懷疑。跳不出腦外跳得出。媒體轉型越變越扁。靈長目猴子戲榕樹頭扑扑齋私塾思術補習社公仔紙。說話通過光纖，文字出於手指。全世界看着同一畫面。電波訊號人造自然。眼觀四面耳聽八方。官兵踏自行車開摩托車碰見鏢局在錢莊門外看錶。銀兩大洋都是膠片。銀元姻緣寫在裡面。有一百個流浪漢等着我回去。喜怒哀樂到了頂點再沒有其他值得關注。天天跳進垃圾筒尋寶探險。燈光配音打雷下雪。沒有對白都是文字。旁遮普人在旁遮普語。一連串音符數碼代號假設。象形專注形成會議。心隨字轉。只是假借。

三秒三葡提菠羅蜜多謝你＄3.30

作者: sheep 時間: 2010-12-12 22:11

神經餅

他們問我一條數學問題，我便唸九因歌「三三該九，六四廿四」心裡還在計算。然后，女心理醫生跟男 ...
playingtoy 發表於 2010-12-12 21:48

有冇想過繪畫？
有嘅話
送一張俾我
要不架思索果隻
希望有一日
我會因此
發達

作者: 匿名 時間: 2010-12-12 23:13

好唔好味架﹐神經餅﹖

作者: playingtoy 時間: 2010-12-13 17:45

敬啟者：

【神經餅】乃上文之標題。取其與「病」字諧音。有鑒於作者並無任何專業出版經驗，若因文章發表格式與傳統「上下款」書信有所雷同，做成讀者混淆，誤以為是作者回復「匿名」會員之稱謂，或含有任何相對性偏激成份；本人僅致以萬分歉意，並會積極於不日文章發表之前之格式作出嚴格審查務求達至專業水平和中立性。

此致
老友記管理員

Playingtoy謹啟
2010年12月13日

作者: playingtoy 時間: 2010-12-13 18:15

有冇想過繪畫？
有嘅話
送一張俾我
要不架思索果隻
希望有一日
我會因此
發達 ...
sheep 發表於 2010-12-12 22:11

一張紙敵不過刀兵火劫。屁鼓坐不定。書畫化成灰。

作者: sheep 時間: 2010-12-13 20:27

回復 16# playingtoy

可惜可惜

作者: playingtoy 時間: 2010-12-15 16:26

於公元3017年外星人企圖登陸並以非人道手段佔領地球。位於世界各地之地面式國防保安系統包括自由神像，關公變型金剛，山寨高達戰士，原住民圖騰像，天壇大佛等既反射式抵御裝置第一時間比地球聯合政府啟動。

因各地機械人溝通上出現語言障礙，各自由神像既雷射炮火炬雪糕日久失修而無電，關公和高達於啟動後陶醉於中日友好關係等。外星人乘虛而入而得呈。

該場戰役死傷人數為零。事後外星人進一步了解地球文化改用和平手段向地聯政申請投資企業獨立團聚政治難民移民簽証。

おもちゃを再生する

作者: playingtoy 時間: 2010-12-26 21:52

【三毫子一擔蛋散】

秘制家鄉蛋散新鮮出爐三毫子一擔埋黎睇埋黎揀。送禮自用派街坊餵小動物增磅瘦身。做頭盤做甜品宵夜下午茶打邊爐麥當勞。過年過節喜慶宴會老少咸宜。租約期滿全面大清貨一件不留埋黎睇埋黎揀。三毫子一擔蛋散三毫子一擔。

謹祝

聖誕快樂，新年進步。

作者: sheep 時間: 2010-12-27 08:36

回復 19# playingtoy

你唔係又嚮河景有搬返出來吓嘩？

作者: playingtoy 時間: 2010-12-28 20:47

回復 playingtoy

你唔係又嚮河景有搬返出來吓嘩？
sheep 發表於 2010-12-27 08:36

你唔係想搵人拉返我入去吓嘩，你有咩證據先？

作者: playingtoy 時間: 2011-1-5 20:26

失禮，小弟自幼開始執垃圾，樓下四五樓劈一大疊漫週，我全部據為己有。喂獨有一次，有一玩具停車場被棄置於大廈梯間，小弟年幼欲往比家長止住，乃因該玩具停車場上有一狗糞，可惜可惜

[attach]10624[/attach]

作者: playingtoy 時間: 2011-1-5 20:40

不願致評

作者: Purpleheart 時間: 2011-1-5 22:36

其實我覺得 playingtoy 原本係 psychiatrist, 為左研究病人而走火入魔, 最後能醫不自醫

作者: ricrick 時間: 2011-1-6 00:00

我覺得人有三衰六旺

作者: playingtoy 時間: 2011-1-6 17:47

呢個平台係我用黎接觸一啲我平時接觸晤到或者唔會接觸我既人。我的自言自語自問自答式既甫士。你可以當係我既signature style。你可以當我係同自己同埋你地做緊實驗。觀點與角度，個社會點睇，我會意識到並且同時對該觀點與角度進行一定評價。台上面係演員，落左台就要privacy。至於邊個先至係我，我認為係同一個人。「同一個人？你仲唔係傻既？」呢曾就要再深入去了解現實同非現實超現實既關係。我都要做好多功課有好多野都唔明。

作者: playingtoy 時間: 2011-1-13 18:16

進入貧窮

很多人害怕逃避貧窮，尤其係我家族本身，於二戰期間經歷過「無比異常痛苦」。我身為後輩都係聽他們口述歷史。但可想而知貧窮跟痛苦一直以來係我既觀念上直接掛勾。我本人於某年月日對知識既認知與認同抱有高度性質疑，於是乎我於某刻決定付諸行動直接進入貧窮狀態。

資源上缺乏一直係焦點所在，然后我問自己究竟要到那一個程度才是定義上既富足。究竟是真正既缺乏資源還是思想上。於是我把我所擁有的都放棄。親人朋友學歷甚至某程度上既知識。一切我所認知而做就成當日既我。最後去到既田地係我感覺好像什麼也不知道。然後呢種感覺帶比我無比既快樂。不是藥物不是煙草不是酒精不是性愛不是其他方面既成就。純粹係思想解脫。

當然其中係我巧妙咁安排自己去到一個地方，我無必要知道些甚麼特別的東西，例如一個路人在街上逛。只要會看交通燈過馬路便成。當警察走來查身份證明，知道明白然後遞出證件便成。肚子餓，知道要到那裡吃，然後知道那裡有公共廁所。然後我真的在問自己我真正知道些什麼。

路途上我認識不少同道人，他們的抱負有的跟我不謀而合。唯一可惜的是，我很少碰見另一個從香港來的跟我一模一樣。這方面於我來說長期性導至某部份既我感到無止境既孤獨。不過與此同時，可以說，這種生活模式沒有什麼可塑性既保障。直到現在我仍然感受到某程度上既冒險性。當你四周圍杳無人煙，然后在漆黑中看見一個人，朝住你既方向走近，或者站着不動。

我現在比較有進一步既認知：原來對方也是這樣在看我。最后還是要自問：我怎樣看自己。

作者: sheep 時間: 2011-1-13 21:17

進入貧窮

很多人害怕逃避貧窮，尤其係我家族本身，於二戰期間經歷過「無比異常痛苦」。我身為後輩都係聽他 ...
playingtoy 發表於 2011-1-13 18:16

有機會嘅
真係要同你摸摸酒杯底
了解一下大家

作者: mcjohnjohn 時間: 2011-1-13 21:36

有機會嘅
真係要同你摸摸酒杯底
了解一下大家
sheep 發表於 2011-1-14 13:17

如果真的話, 麻煩你代我問候一下playingtoy 老兄吧!

作者: 快樂牛郎 時間: 2011-1-13 21:48

然後呢種感覺帶比我無比既快樂。不是藥物不是煙草不是酒精不是性愛不是其他方面既成就。純粹係思想解脫。
playingtoy 發表於 2011/1/13 18:16

i wish i could do that

作者: playingtoy 時間: 2011-1-14 20:56

其實我真係
開罪過好多人
尤其係我半成熟既
英語思維系統
只有性愛，哲理，和法律
沒有人情味因為我不是在這裡成長

如果我以前曾經
令你難受
現在我正式向你
賠罪

謹以此銘記
我難以彌補既錯

作者: playingtoy 時間: 2011-1-14 20:56

我暫時會將個英語思維系統擱置並試圖積極進行改良但前景並不明朗

作者: playingtoy 時間: 2011-1-21 18:47

~ 做番豬仔去排隊 ~

其實我都算叫做對加拿大既福利政策有些少了解和體驗。諗返以前早午晚排隊等派飯派麵包。都有一年或以上。呢個係加拿大政府用黎招待窮人既招數＆政策，大部份位於DTES（Downtown Eastside）溫市中心東端既免費餐都唔需要登記。總之排隊就有先到先得遲到無份。既然係咁政府又唔查你收入，日日都係任食，個system會唔會被人濫用。我既經驗係：首先你要提早一至二小時排隊，競爭甚大。有些全職食政府既一日走幾場。還要預備有啲大嬸扶老攜幼專門按時黎打尖。或者帶住幾個細路真係大條道理既，小朋友既小生命真係好可貴。膳食質素方面無異議。皆因係免費，都係為求溫飽。甚至可以話貧民區入面有一種生命力係其他任何地方搵唔到。話時話前幾日先至去完foodbank返黎。本來慣左跳入dumpster搵食，最近有個minor injury所以暫時做唔到其他野剩係打到字。唯有做番豬仔去排隊。每一件我在foodbank拿回家既食物，我望住它，然後感受到個價值：（雖然有兩條麵包過左期）全部都係用我既人格換返黎。

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