big_tooth

Alcoholic, I agree with Chunsh on this one here.  What I'm about to say is not direct to your case but in a general sense.

Point 1.
As you said before, talking directly to the mother in law is suicide, and for a husband siding with his mom over his wife is also suicidal for him.

Point 2.
Sometimes the husband and wife are so used to each other, we don't even realize alot of the little things we do to our spouse.  And just as any loving couple should be, we don't care or notice those little things that our spouse is doing to us.

I guess what I want to express is to keep an open mind about what the in laws are saying and doing, after all, they are family.

big_tooth

原帖由 Littleprince 於 2008-1-8 18:23 發表

你講得真係o岩﹐provided 你識得我或者我奶奶。。。但可惜呢﹐你又唔識播。。。TOO BAD。。。SO IT IS TOTALLY WRONG。。。

hmmm, the problem with internet forum is that once you posted it, you don't know who is reading it.

big_tooth

原帖由 Littleprince 於 2008-1-8 19:41 發表

邊個看都無問題播﹐乜你知我係邊個咩﹖

I don't know you, but it is not hard for people who knows you to find what you posted on the internet.

Besides, does it make it alright to talk bad about someone when you think he/she will not find out what you said?

Please understand that I'm not saying you (or Alcoholic) are 講是非.  Venting out frustration is one thing, saying things that has absolute no impact to you behind that person's back is 講是非.

[ 本帖最後由 big_tooth 於 2008-1-8 20:20 編輯 ]

big_tooth

I guess the trouble is that when we post a reply that is somewhat on the mother-in-law side or those who suggest a solution, we immediately get put into either group 1 or group 3.

big_tooth

Yes, there is another.  I believe my wife belongs in that group.

Alot of what you guys said here, we have experienced too (not all, but alot of them), and of course we've experienced things that were not mentioned here as well.  Yeah, we didn't like some of the stuff, but my wife would try to understand why my mom or her mom were doing what they did.  And she can often comes up with a logical explanation to what we at first thought were illogical behaviour.

Again, I don't think there is any problem with venting frustration, but I do see it as harmful to ourselves when we only want to vent and not accepting to hear advice or negative comments.

Alot of the problems with in-laws are due to misunderstanding, or lack of willingness to understand, and some of the examples given here I can somehow picture the mother's side of argument.  When we understand the other side, there really isn't much left to complain about.

(And I do also realize there are really terrible inlaws...mother or daughter or father or son)

big_tooth

Yui,

I don't have any suggestion as I don't see how changing their lifestyles is an improvement to their lives.  Improvement for your sake definitely, but....

big_tooth

原帖由 Alcoholic 於 2008-1-9 20:14 發表
big tooth,
then please define what group your wife is in. let us have an eye opener.
also, why are you always saying that people are not welcoming advice & construction criticism when we're doing cas ...

Alocholic,

I really like what you said.  "Accept other peoples difference and accept that people's method", it applies to the discussion you and I are having, and also applies to relationship with inlaws.  

I'm not imposing my wife's method on people, but I guess when I post it, it's as you said to Blueprint, I'm not being understanding and I'm  making it like you guys are immature.  And clearly I must belong to either group 1 or group 3.  No way a group 2 person would say what I've said.  We're not group 1, and definitely not group 3.  Where will you put me and some others then if our comments make us not belong to group 2?

I can tell you, when my wife think of the logical reasons, she is not trying to comfort herself, but she is protecting the other person, giving them the benefit of the doubt first.  And that is my point, to give others the benefit of the doubt (as oppose to finding ways to comfort yourself).  I agree it is hard and complicated living with people, but any method we apply to better the situation need to come from the heart.  If it's not from the heart, eventually people will get sick and tire and blow up.  Giving a happy face at home then come onto the internet and vent is telling me that happy face is not from the heart.

What is logical and illogical is also subjective.  I'll give you an example, my dad one day said to me in front of other family member that I shouldn't be taking advantage of my wife.  At the time I thought my wife and I were nothing like what he said. Very illogical as it seem at the time.  But then one day as I was doing the exact same thing then I remember what he said, and I realized that I was doing it while my wife and I both not even realized it.

big_tooth

原帖由 Alcoholic 於 2008-1-10 11:02 發表
Yui,
maybe big tooth is just too proud of his wife being 為人諗，心地好, put other people in first place...? i don't understand either... it's not like we don't understand or accept his point wor~

Twi ...

Actually, judging from your response to my post, I don't think you understand my point.  I think it's my ability to express it clearly.

big_tooth

- don't always think that when there's a conflict it's the other party's fault. keep minds open
Very true

- try talking it out, make effort to solve it both sides
No, I actually think it's the son's (husband's) responsibility to solve the problems

- don't talk behind one's back
No.  The point is we often do the same things that we complain about others, it just might be in a different form.

- some people here not not accepting advice & some negative comments
More like dismissing others as inexperienced and not understanding

- we don't understand/think for the lai-lai's side
In some cases, yes.  Or we think we do but really don't.

- you like how your wife is not "comforting" herself, but rather "try to understand" the other person.
Try to understand is right.  My wife is just an example.

- if we "suen" & smile/act like nothing happened, then vent out on internet is not sincere
If I act like I'm happy, forcing myself to smile etc.  I definitely think so if that person I'm doing it to is supposed to be close to me.

- illogical will become logical when one day you finally understand & feel for the comment that the other person made about you
Not sure I understand it right.  My point is illogical to you might very well be logical in reality (and I must emphasize the MIGHT).

big_tooth

(complaining/whining/venting does not mean automatically the fault is blame on the other party)

Agree, but there is no conflict with what I said.

(we understand, and some lai-lai's probably vent to her C9 friends about us too. but as we can see here, i don't complain that my lai-lai is more honger traditional than i am, and of course, Yui, 華美子, utopia does not collect recycle-able items in bulk, nor reuse food wraps etc. so imo in this thread's case studies, we did not reciprocate the same thing in different form.)

Just as an example, some of us don’t like some people being “long tongue”, but I know most of us also talk to friends or family and on the internet about what person “a” did what to person “b” etc etc.    Or another example, I don’t like people giving me the “black face”, but I actually giving those people the “black face”.  It’s just something for us all to think about.

(even if you & your wife tries to understand, then trying is all that matters if the above is true. so i think all the C9's here, including your wife did try, but "in different form" as you put it)

I don’t think one can draw the conclusion that trying is all that matters.  Just as華美子’s case, her mother in law was just trying to cook a meal for them, what is the problem?  Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying bad cook isn’t a problem.

(from my reply before, then what would your suggestion be? be sincere, & give your real face & emotions, & see where it will take the problem? or keep quiet & be not sincere, & take into consideration of the other party as you "try to understand" the situation? there's nothing wrong with you feeling a close person acting that way is being not sincere...but as a person giving us C9's some constructive criticism, you still haven't answered which advice to give)

I must say I’m caught in a catch 22 here.

(define reality. reality as in "the other party"? reality as in "the majority 3rd party"? or did i miss an possible answer here? as for logical... the only "true logic" is to lower the problem/damage as close to 0 as possible. so i guess...that statement doesn't make sense or "logical" itself)

Reality as in facts, action completed.  Hmmm, so if the mother in law is trying to reduce a perceived damage to zero then her action is “true logic” right?  I guess I don’t understand who and how “true logic” was defined.  I thought logic is not an action.