Alcoholic

i agree that it's best to move out after marriage & not live with both sides of in-laws.
moving out is great because it's like a new step for married couple, which kinda "defines" the start of a "new family".

i did not give that kinda speech at my wedding because nobody wanted to do a speech from both sides of parents. only my hubby did a speech in general. imo, i think speeches as in "thanking in-laws for raising a good bride/groom" is sorta BS.  to me, if you appreciate that person, you do it from the heart with action, rather than as "an highlight" of the wedding to show all the guests. even if people do mean the words of their speech, speaking is different from when you actually LIVE with that person AFTER that speech.

say real, my hubby told me just as we moved into our new condo last year...his mom "jokingly" suggested if she could move in with us!!!!!!!! of course, my hubby turned her down "jokingly" lah... cus he can't stand living with her either... that's why he's been moved out for years~ i know that my lai-lai is very bored, & requires ALOT of attention & things to keep her busy. we always try to find time to eat dinner with her, ask her to come over for dinner... pui her eat lunch/ afternoon tea every week. other than that, we can't pui her much because she's not into shopping, walking (max walk 30 mins), crafts etc... other than play MJ & sit @ home watch tv all day. good thing she has a puppy to keep her busy... & she just needs to be out everyday...even if it means just for her to drive out to return borrowed DVD's for her TVB series.

i don't think it's a problem not really getting along with in-laws (in this case the lai-lai's) because even though if you inform your hubby, or find some friends to vent out, or even "sun" about it online like 華美子 is fine. at least we give our respect  by not clashing with the lai-lai's directly & openly.

wife VS lai-lai:
this is because both women understands the hubby different things & different ways. both wife & lai-lai wants the best for the hubby AND the new family, that's why there's a problem. it's because women are one of the most important components that holds a family together. of course, some lai-lai's are very open-minded, treats the wife just like own daughter.... BUT i would say most "wife VS lai-lai" is caused by:
1. traditional subborn lai-lai VS contemporary thinking wife
2. high-maintainence wife VS neglected sticky lai-lai

in my case, it's more of a variation of the 1st option: the bored lai-lai VS the contemporary CBCish white-washed wife.  

it's not that me & my lai-lai have a major problem. just grains once in a while. trust me, i want to make things EVEN better, make her feel that i try to treat her like mom too. i want to do the stuff that i do with my mom, the jokes & dumb talks that i talk with my mom... but i can't do that to my lai-lai. cus my family runs "warmer" than his family.... but not that his family is not close & tightly bonded. it's just that the 2 COMMUNICATION for the 2 families are TOO different. for example, in my family, we have dinner together, family outings together (ex shopping, cooking, trips...etc).  but in his family, under the same roof, everybody hides in their own room. my hubby moved out long time ago, & hubby's sibling is barely having dinner with lai-lai, probably like 3 times a week MAX. they don't even go out as a family & actually DO things together. how do expect 2 women to communicate well together, when we're from such different families?

the best way is to keep myself cool & calm & keep my mouth shut if something happens...just whine a bit to my hubby not to force him to do something, just to let him know jeh. my hubby knows that my lai-lai has communication problem.... many stories within their family, & even her friends/MJ friends.  it's some things that will never change. as the young one, if i can yield to her, mai yield lor.... as long as i keep her happy, & that when i spend time with my lai-lai, we have a happy time. that's it. that's all she needs to be happy - someone to pui her, see her, call her out to let her know that i care for my lai-lai.

i think one problem that some LYK have here is that when there's a problem, you always try to fix it, solve it, do something about it. that's very logical...i'm like that too for some things too. but sorry peoples. that's not how this world runs. not every problem can be solved even if you wanna solve it. if everything can be talked out & solved, then this world woulda been such a happier place to be. this is call maturity. some things don't need to say out loud, you should know. everything doesn't have to be explicit. pushing it too hard is just testing your luck & sandwiching your hubby. if you want to be a smooth person with good relationships, you should know in your heart what kind of personality that other person have, & what's the best way to handle it. that's communication, & being able to observe/know that person well enough.

[ 本帖最後由 Alcoholic 於 2008-1-7 14:29 編輯 ]

Alcoholic

some lai-lai will think that the daughter-inlaw "stole" away her son
before, my lai-lai was the type that think the son likes to spend time & effort on the daughter-inlaw rather than on her. my hubby said that whenever he has a gf, his mom would be jealous.

so to make things better, before & after marriage, i always ask my hubby to invite lai-lai to come along whenever we go eat, nothing to do. even when i go home to my mom's place to cook dinner for my mom, i would sometimes invite her too. before marriage, i was pretty nervous about going out with lai-lai alone, or go with her to hang out with lai-lai's family. but one day, i thought to myself. if i really have to marry my hubby, i needa show some guts & care. so i started to date her out myself... not to be on her "good" side...but more like to try to get to know her better... know what she likes, what kind of attitude/habbits she has lor~ pretty freaky...but i still did it for the sake of better communication in our future.

i answer "no" to the side question too.
my mom knows  of my bad habbits...like my mom knows i like hard liquor & wine tasting etc... but to my lai-lai (& her family), i hide all of that. my mom understands... so even though i don't let her see the whole picture , i still let her take a tiny peek, because she is my mom, and no matter good or bad, i want her to know about me.  another reason why i keep my personal habbits/ likings away from my lai-lai is because her side of the family has WAY too many rumors & backstabbing. unfortunately, thanks to my hubby's good sibling, my lai-lai knows some of my nightlife. but even so, infront of my in-laws, i will be the nice, curteous, good manner, proper housewife, that works, cooks, loves her son, & do chores.

Alcoholic

Mr.Lik,
That's why you need to find one that's 靚女, 入得廚房，出得廳堂, 上得大床 , & know how to tum your mom

Alcoholic

原帖由 Ultraman 於 2008-1-7 11:28 PM 發表
Some "外母" think their daughters' husbands always "蝦" their daughters in a regular basis... ! :tk ...

my lai-lai thinks 我食住我老公添啦~
it's like, if you be quiet & be a little woman, & let hubby feed you food etc, 又唔得...she will think that hubby 冇地位.
if you ask your hubby to help you this & that, 又唔得, she will think you're bossing hubby around.

hard to satisfy lai-lai... unless they're the type that super super adores you before you get married, & she actually pushes/blows you guys to get married type.

few days ago, my lai-lai 莫明奇妙地 said that i step down on my hubby infront of other people!!!!
infront of MY mom when we eat out for dinner, she said to me: "以後唔好係人面前step你老公喇, 知道未呀？"
my mom gave me a weird look, & i was like: "..........wtf" i very sick, so i just turned away & continue to chat with my mom like nothing happened.
later, i ask my hubby why the hell did she say that out of nowhere. (cus' he was talking to her about that after i acted like nothing & turned to talked to my mom)
my hubby said that my lai-lai said:
- how i sometimes say some chinese people dress weird on the street.
- how i don't enjoy TVB series because the plot is gay, long & nagging
- said i made fun of hubby's english infront of other people
---------> related to ME STEPPING ON MY HUBBY INFRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE!!!!!!
- first of all, i barely speak english infront of lai-lai's family because they're all chinese. so i give them respect by try my hardest to speak chinese unless i really can't explain myself/know a term in chinese. just rare case, maybe i'll chat in english with my hubby's cousins when they're around.
- both me & my hubby don't recall a time i made fun of him infront of his family. why would i even do that when i'm proud of my hubby & wants the whole world to know how great he is to me! when my hubby ask lai-lai when did i ever do that, she 又講唔出. totally not logical!!! & what i like, what i don't like is MY preference. & it's not like we all don't look at weird people on the street anyways...

so, the consensus is: my lai-lai is mo-liu! it's not the first time she made up crap! (other stories, but i wont bother saying it here, 費事比人話我地 D housewifes are "too talkative") even when i talk to my mom afterward, my mom thinks it's bs because she knows i act proper infront of my in-laws! at least infront of my mom & dad's friends, relatives etc, i have never yet disappointed my parents! so my mom told me to just ignore it because she knows me best.

conclusion is:
bored chinese lai-lai VS cbc-ish white-washed contemporary housewife.

[ 本帖最後由 Alcoholic 於 2008-1-8 08:58 編輯 ]

Alcoholic

nonono
my point is:
- when people (such as lai-lai's in these cases) don't have logical  evidence that you did something wrong,  they shouldn't judge anyone in the first place.

- first, most people don't think what they do is right... they do what their natural response is at that moment. in my case, i didn't even do what she claimed i did... & my hubby agrees.  & when people make irrational judgements with illogical claims about you, it is only their fault because there's nothing misleading & contraversial about your actions.

- secondly, disciplined chinese families always humble about the behavior of the children and correct them when they're wrong. if i did/say anything "wrong" my hubby/parents would tell me quietly in my ears, or talk about it when we get home & VS (happened before, very rare). btw, my family thinks my hubby treats me like gold. my family always ask me to treat my hubby good too (not like i don't, but they just want us to treat each other well with happiness).

most likely, there are problems on both sides when there's a conflict. but does that mean 100%? nope. especially when what my lai-lai said totally didn't even make sense altogether.

if my hubby agrees with my lai-lai that i should give him some face & respect infront of other people, of course it's my problem.

i hope you read my points carefully:
(true) looking at people who dress weird
+
(true) not liking to watch TVB series
+
(accusing) i said my hubby has bad english
does not = i step on my hubby infront of other people

if i tell you that my hubby's sibling used to spy on me before, & tells my lai-lai twisted facts. is that supposed to be my problem too? i sure hope not it's my problem too man. cus i don't even know that person other than name, age, & that it's my hubby's sibling.

[ 本帖最後由 Alcoholic 於 2008-1-8 15:24 編輯 ]

Alcoholic

chunsh,

i'm not unhappy cus it's "all" the troubles are caused by others. i would just be happier if they have a problem with me for any dumb but logical reason at all...like... even if they don't like my exsistence! rather than for unreasonable "reasons". like, if my lai-lai is kinda like Purpleheart's bf's mom... who likes to "teach" people for the sake of goodness & being proper, likes to act like a wise elder...that's fine, i totally buy that. but don't tell me because i don't like TVB series, or that weird people catches my eye lor, & never even seen me "teach" my hubby infront of other people.

and i would appreciate it if people think like how some lyk think: have problem, then talk it out. or even say it in my face... rather than having a 1/2-random 28 year unmarried old kid spying on some poor 25 year old housewife

[ 本帖最後由 Alcoholic 於 2008-1-8 16:51 編輯 ]

Alcoholic

Little Prince:
i TOTALLY understand what you mean by 有D人係"性格長舌" !!!!!!! *relieved*

but seems like 我地黎班 LYK C9 here knows what to do best & is best at doing what is most wise to do:

收埋 & 算！！！！！


it's all really a small thing. it's just that we're analyzing & actually disecting all the points out here & explaining our feelings, that's why some people think us LYK housewives are having some "major respect/communication" problem with elders.

講真, 如果我地真係咁唔ger既話，神早就同奶奶 "chan"到行，大家成年人，又冇血源關係，洗比面妳? 洗鬼set做新抱既宗子:"退一步海闊天空，小事化無，老公為重" 咩~~ 唔明唔緊要，照樣睇得化咪得囉~ 如果咁容易比野/人激到，點keep住做靚太呀?

Alcoholic

Little Prince,
i was just talking to my hubby about this. (hehe...he reads my posts here). many times not getting along is just family brought up, aka personality (i agree with you). like my hubby said, the way i treat my mom, is learnt alot from how my mom treat my 婆婆. my hubby said, if he treat HIS 婆婆 the way how i treat my 婆婆 AND his 婆婆, his family will think he 無啦啦黐左線。 some things will never change. if we don't want to become 溝通/性格問題, then only way is to not do what they're doing, so that our future daughters will not become problematic lai-lai's (in our opinion).

on the other hand, this will mean that  if we don't like the habbits of the lai-lai's, we will have to be FIRM on our own preference of life....YET still respect & work around with the lai-lai's personality. 咁即係話，到時我第日dun件出黎。。。要分配 between me & lai-lai's ways to "chou"個BB....都幾頭痕。

Alcoholic

LittlePrince:
suen la... *aiii* you know, it took me & my hubby over a year to "shut up" the mouths & convince them about our "baby plan".... ended up my hubby didn't say "no", but didn't say "yes" to a baby... he just told his family that "we WILL plan LATER after 2-3 years" whether or not we want a child. so until that 2-3 years time frame is over, they can't nag me to poop out a kid~
in this topic, there are:
1. group that has good relationship & similarities with lai-lai's that never gone through the troubles/concerns as:
2. group that has differences with lai-lai's (like me & you)...who knows very well that communication & compatiblility is not as simple as what group 1 & the following group says.
3. unmarried people, who uses a logical solution to try & apply it to a more "intimate" relationship... because they haven't yet gone through it themselves... so they don't know that they cannot treat relatives (lai-lai's in this case) the same way as they treat other people, other instances.

yellowapple:
it's not like i don't know any "good cases" living with lai-lai geh~ one of my hubby's "friend" lives with her hubby's entire family. they seem to get along well together because they have the same traditional goal...and that is: women are supposed to be a good housewife, they exist to serve men & reproduce. that's why that wife & that lai-lai get along together & serve the rest of the family (all males) like maids, & they're happy to do so. (note: all the males, as in dad, bro & the husband, cannot cook, laundry, takecare of themselves, never done any chores in their life before).

of course, there are other normal & not extreme case of lai-lai getting along with wife geh.... hahaha... just that the case i know of is a bit "odd" ja mah~ LOL

[ 本帖最後由 Alcoholic 於 2008-1-9 08:43 編輯 ]

Alcoholic

blueprint:
there is no group #4 because that's the same as group #2. Me, LittlePrince, 華美子 etc have differences with lai-lai's yet we still have a good relationship with them. & we know there are many more concerns to come in the future.

if there really is a group # 4, it would be the group where: wife & lai-lai have differences/concerns, & have bad relationship with lai-lai by clashing with them head-on hard.

if you read carefully, just because we're venting/analyzing or even "complaining" as some people calls it here, doesn't mean our relationship is bad wor. that's because we're dealing with it in the most beneficial neutral way, which means, we ACCEPT the differences. but that does NOT mean we agree to the facts of those differences wor. just because we "yield" to the lai-lai's doesn't mean the relationship is bad, or that we're grieving over how poor we are. when has ANY sort of relationship been perfect without any "yielding"? So i think it's just that just because we word it differently than you, doesn't mean we're not doing something constructive & proactive either. and no, i don't think we're getting the idea that discussion is not encouraged here either... or else this would have ended when other opinions started to voice out.

of course we C9's should be firm on our preferences & choices because each woman have different values. to me, even if you're a full time dependant housemaker, you should still be independent with your mind & personal goals. We live for ourselves, for CREATING our own family.... but not REVOLVE around a family. our actions of course will affect people... but people are not an effect of actions. so logically, roles should not change. for example, our role is very clear: the wife, the daughter-in-law.

Twin,
mo ga... the way we deal with the "moving in" thing is simple. lai-lai say in "jokingly tone". he responsed in a non offending vocabulary in a jokingly tone too. however, if anything is asked seriously, you should answer seriously. it was easier for us to get off the hook cus his mom has a house, & my hubby's sibling is not married yet & still lives at home.

from the way i see it, you get your @$$ prepared to live with caveman mom duo duc la. all your future lai-lai has left is YOUR CAVEMAN. & as a good guy like your caveman... i think he will not turn down his mom, & your caveman has a very strong sense of being a real man. no method, he will most likely take responisbility of the damage done by the upper generation (divorce), & take respect by taking care of his mom.

[ 本帖最後由 Alcoholic 於 2008-1-9 11:09 編輯 ]