Alcoholic

big tooth:
well... is there another group that is unknown for then??

blueprint:
well, when you don't like something, of course you want "no more", & when people talk unreasonable bs, of course in your heart, you wanna tell their faces to "shut it". of course, no matter how we think, we can't really say it. so as i said before.... keep it to yourself, comfort your temper, make the problem down to zero. and it is to our benefit to speak our hearts here online, being private, 1/2 annoymous. it illustrates the true feelings, any frustrations of all housewives (even the ones that get along great with lai-lai's with no friction). i glad that i explain it more clearly to you blueprint i know that we're all typing with our feelings/thoughts... but other LYK can only read black & white words off of a screen~

since we all have a "good relationship" with the lai-lai's & no head-on collisions, i think ALL of us is doing a good job. not that other suggestions are not logical/good/useful. just that if we all are doing smoothly, then whatever way we're doing it is just fine.

so voicing out/reminding other options is great, but asking people "why you didn't try this", "why you didn't do that", "maybe you aren't trying hard enough" when we ALL are old enough, mature & KNOW/STATED that these options ARE open (just we didn't take those options).....is kinda....not rude... but not "understanding". that's why i say that not all logic can be applied to all situations/ relationships/ communication. so please don't say that we are not welcoming other opinions/suggestions, nor that we did not consider trying those lor. so to answer big tooth's concern, i would say that is the only  little bump of trouble here in this thread.

Twin,
it's great that you join into our C9 chat here. i think it's beneficial to other girls that will plan to get married one day.
caveman's mom feels insecure. so all that allowance hinting, "our house", etc is because she wants attention/ care...i know that you know, but when you're in her shoes, care is never enough. just like my lai-lai gum. i know sometimes she gossips, say things out of nowhere... but i know she's bored. she needs attention. she needs someone to be sitting in her face to TALK to. that's what she needs. if i just date her out by myself for lunch/dinner/anything... i make her happy just by listening to whatever she says, & let her know that after eating, i'll PUI her go here to buy/do whatever. in a way, my lai-lai is like caveman mom too. she's insecure. my hubby's dad is always not around. as i say, my hubby's sibling is barely at home, or even if at home, always in room, or watch tv him/herself...while lai-lai watches her own tv by herself
as for blaming her for loneliness... to be honest, that's kinda bad to say >__<. cus even IF she really DID screw up her marriage... just losing hope, or not truely liking someone new enough to make another committment in her life (even if not get married) is not her fault geh. 2 separate things. when a woman has been insecured, scared for LONG period of time like that (including my lai-lai, a bit of my mom too)... they over do things i know. for one fact, they older generation are USUALLY pretty tough yet stubborn. BUT, we can't really blame them all for stubborness because they did not experience what we experience now, & not as much education as us. you  know what i mean?

[ 本帖最後由 Alcoholic 於 2008-1-9 14:01 編輯 ]

Alcoholic

Yui,
your lai-lai is kinda like my 嬤嬤 in hk。她已前細個偷盜落香港。我嬤嬤最鍾意收集膠袋, 紙袋，橡根，報紙，雜誌，各酒樓既牙籤，繩，布碎   一個字：HAN (aka 不浪廢）嬤嬤從來都唔著新衫。。。 if you buy it, she will wear once, then neatly save it in the deepest corner of her closet, 唔拾得著。once, buy her shoes, let her pick, she 乜都up頭話好... wear it once, & forever put aside. when we ask her many many times, she finally say she don't wear it because 刮腳。 so we ask her why agree to buy it, she always 笑笑口得個hole.  my dad & uncle gives her alot of allowance each month. yet, 她兩磚"腐yu" or one small piece of 鹹魚送一碗飯就當一餐。最多煮多兩條菜，咁就可以食多一餐。工人煮，她又話唔岩胃口，叫她自己落街買野食，又唔制。when we go back to hk, we never touch her leftovers in the fridge because for sure over 3 days +

our solution:
講，tum, 罵(by my dad only) 係冇用既~ sorry to say, but daddy 有次落order, when grandma is out, we all have to throw out some of her "collections"。 we approximately threw out 40% of each type of collection   when she come home, of course, she notice la! but when dad is in hk, she will keep her murmurs low. when dad is out for business....HA! 我同媽咪，老公，細佬妹就有3日說話聽喇。。。 space is limited in hk, so we had to do it because there's just no more space. about the clothes etc...都冇辦法，因為她係唔著，妳都吹唔脹~

back to Yui's troubles:
- the hanging wet bags on windows... MAYBE you can try to tell her that it's not good to do that because if it blows off, then neighbours can complain that you're littering? aiii
- tv.... when she 南麼阿彌陀, is she really watching tv, praying out loud & listening AT THE SAME TIME? oh god.... if she can multi-task like that...then can't really do much because she actually knows what is going on on the tv wor....
- as for your lai-lai's collection... maybe try to convince her to recycle the bags etc... since she grew up in rural area...maybe say it will help nature? hahahaha... aiya... sorry ar, your case is physcially tough, where us other girls have personality tough situations~

worse come to worse.... the same 宗子that we all use & find effective: 後埋，忍，& 算

Alcoholic

big tooth,
then please define what group your wife is in. let us have an eye opener.
also, why are you always saying that people are not welcoming advice & construction criticism when we're doing case studies here? my suggestion to you would be to accept other people's differences, & accept that people use a different method than your wife's, and things are still working out. like your wife's style... trying to explain people's "illogical" deeds is good wor, but what's wrong with not wanting to make up an excuse for the "illogical" but yet still solve the problem? besides, unless the lai-lai say so clearly herself, otherwise, what your wife explains to herself is subjective, just for her own comforting...something that makes some sense to her. and isn't that what we all do here? besides, as i say, if we don't want to think of some "logical" reason, as long as we solve the problem is fine. it doesn't matter what the "reason" is, because you will never know, because you will never be that person.

CWong,
because this is a specific topic. if you want to discuss about other relationships... open a new thread, & us C9's will jump right in

Alcoholic

咁岩我第既個係同D奶奶某些方面唔係咁夾姐。。。
maybe people have problems with 老爺，或者其他親戚呢。。。
but seems like wive VS lai-lai is most common of them all for some reason~

Alcoholic

big tooth,

just because i claimed that we are "mature" has nothing to do or suggest the fact that we think that you think that we're immature. as you mention, this is sorta like a discussion between me and you. discussion... NOT arguement. i'm not mad, or mun at you or anything. so please don't make it toned like we are biting on each other. it's just a pleasant talk. so don't take it too personally.

and i never said that you tried to imposed your wife's method on us either. i think i said pretty clear that it's fine, it's just that we didn't choose to take that method ja wor.
the groups are how i think. & since i hear that you don't fit yourself into the groups that run into my mind, i did offer you to define the group that you feel best describes you.

and also, when did we not give our lai-lai's actions doubt? the "lai-lai examples" from me, Yui, 華美子 are clearly because the lai-lai's are han, religious/lifestyle habbits... there is no doubt for that wor.

as for the example that i gave about my lai-lai relating me stepping on my hubby, i already suggested the fact that she probably doesn't like my white-washed thinking/preference, that's why she said such thing to bring it up. if i add to my "doubt" that [ MAYBE my lai-lai wants me to become more traditional chinese/honger, so that she can get along even better with me ] <-- would that make you feel i have more doubtful space to "protect" my lai-lai? but even so, sorry. no can do. that's the way SHE grew up. this is the way I was bought up. pui her do things she likes, understanding her needs, speaking more chinese etc is already good enough. it's not like i needa transform myself to her likings, revolve around her. besides i am who i am.... THIS is the person that HER son married for. as people said in this discussion, i chose my hubby, my hubby chose me. but none of us chose my lai-lai. kinda mean to your ears right? but it's true.

so, did we not try to give our lai-lai's space for consideration?

i hope that you have never faked a smile in your life, or held back your emotions infront of other people in order to keep the situation cool. cus that ain't coming from the heart either. if everyone displays everything true from the heart/ take it all out, it will end up hurting even more. that's being inconsiderate, & selfish. of course, people have the right to display all your feelings, but that's not the way to interact socially. there's a difference between being "fake", and "hiding your true self"... if we did that, that would be self-centered.  a better way to put it rather than "hiding our true selves" is: we are just displaying our best socially accepted qualities.

as for your example, that's great. but as i mentioned before, there are times that i feel that some elders comments are correct. it doesn't even need to take the next time we're doing it to realize it. as for venting... how do you expect people to like differences that you're not accustomed to from your heart? you just accept that fact, work it out by smoothing out the corners & get used to it when it comes again. some things, people can adapt to. but other things, no matter how hard you try, just can't happen. & that's how we deal with it.

[ 本帖最後由 Alcoholic 於 2008-1-10 09:29 編輯 ]

Alcoholic

Yui,

hahaha.... my grandma hides her collection in similar ways too!

Alcoholic

Yui,
maybe big tooth is just too proud of his wife being 為人諗，心地好, put other people in first place...? i don't understand either... it's not like we don't understand or accept his point wor~

Twin,
haha...
welcome to the world of C9!!

Alcoholic

you said:
- don't always think that when there's a conflict it's the other party's fault. keep minds open
- try talking it out, make effort to solve it both sides
- don't talk behind one's back
- some people here not not accepting advice & some negative comments
- we don't understand/think for the lai-lai's side
- you like how your wife is not "comforting" herself, but rather "try to understand" the other person.
- if we "suen" & smile/act like nothing happened, then vent out on internet is not sincere
- illogical will become logical when one day you finally understand & feel for the comment that the other person made about you

i actually went through all your posts in this thread & took down the main points in short. unless you really can't express yourself accurately, i don't think i missed anything, nor the "big picture" that those points composes wor

Alcoholic

big tooth:

- don't always think that when there's a conflict it's the other party's fault. keep minds open
Very true
(complaining/whining/venting does not mean automatically the fault is blame on the other party)

- try talking it out, make effort to solve it both sides
No, I actually think it's the son's (husband's) responsibility to solve the problems
(icic...)

- don't talk behind one's back
No.  The point is we often do the same things that we complain about others, it just might be in a different form.
(we understand, and some lai-lai's probably vent to her C9 friends about us too. but as we can see here, i don't complain that my lai-lai is more honger traditional than i am, and of course, Yui, 華美子, utopia does not collect recycle-able items in bulk, nor reuse food wraps etc. so imo in this thread's case studies, we did not reciprocate the same thing in different form.)

- some people here not not accepting advice & some negative comments
More like dismissing others as inexperienced and not understanding
(the C9's here are sharing each other's experiences, examples. so how can we dismiss/reject other's understanding? i'm sure you're just as experienced too. it's just that the only thing you're not an experienced at is being C9, because you are not one, & will never be one. no offence or sexist intended.)

- we don't understand/think for the lai-lai's side
In some cases, yes.  Or we think we do but really don't.
(if then... see the one below)

- you like how your wife is not "comforting" herself, but rather "try to understand" the other person.
Try to understand is right.  My wife is just an example.
(even if you & your wife tries to understand, then trying is all that matters if the above is true. so i think all the C9's here, including your wife did try, but "in different form" as you put it)


- if we "suen" & smile/act like nothing happened, then vent out on internet is not sincere
If I act like I'm happy, forcing myself to smile etc.  I definitely think so if that person I'm doing it to is supposed to be close to me.
(from my reply before, then what would your suggestion be? be sincere, & give your real face & emotions, & see where it will take the problem? or keep quiet & be not sincere, & take into consideration of the other party as you "try to understand" the situation? there's nothing wrong with you feeling a close person acting that way is being not sincere...but as a person giving us C9's some constructive criticism, you still haven't answered which advice to give)

- illogical will become logical when one day you finally understand & feel for the comment that the other person made about you
Not sure I understand it right.  My point is illogical to you might very well be logical in reality (and I must emphasize the MIGHT).
(define reality. reality as in "the other party"? reality as in "the majority 3rd party"? or did i miss an possible answer here? as for logical... the only "true logic" is to lower the problem/damage as close to 0 as possible. so i guess...that statement doesn't make sense or "logical" itself)

[ 本帖最後由 Alcoholic 於 2008-1-10 15:48 編輯 ]