katamari

其實都唔好對我地０既ＬＹＫ太太團太ＨＡＲＳＨ，起碼而家講左出來好過死忍。不過對自己阿媽又好對奶奶都好，我自己成日會記住將心比己，點都唔好傷害自己屋企人囉。努力啦，同老爺奶奶關係好Ｄ，你同老公感情都好Ｄ啦！

Alcoholic

Little Prince,
i was just talking to my hubby about this. (hehe...he reads my posts here). many times not getting along is just family brought up, aka personality (i agree with you). like my hubby said, the way i treat my mom, is learnt alot from how my mom treat my 婆婆. my hubby said, if he treat HIS 婆婆 the way how i treat my 婆婆 AND his 婆婆, his family will think he 無啦啦黐左線。 some things will never change. if we don't want to become 溝通/性格問題, then only way is to not do what they're doing, so that our future daughters will not become problematic lai-lai's (in our opinion).

on the other hand, this will mean that  if we don't like the habbits of the lai-lai's, we will have to be FIRM on our own preference of life....YET still respect & work around with the lai-lai's personality. 咁即係話，到時我第日dun件出黎。。。要分配 between me & lai-lai's ways to "chou"個BB....都幾頭痕。

yellowapple

After reading all the postings, I think before knowing the answer (difference of before and after), one of the key points will be whether or not you are living with your in-laws.  I believe if the couples are not living with in-laws, 摩擦will be less because you won't see them too often.  But if you are living with your in-laws, you basically see them everyday and it will be another story.  Back to the point that 相見好﹐同住難。  不過﹐我相信當然有好既case, 奶奶同新抱一齊住係完全無問題﹐只係我哋唔知。

Littleprince

Alc,

我就無人可以學習﹐因為我亞媽無奶奶﹐好彩我都無諗住有細路﹐所以無呢方面的煩惱。

Alcoholic

LittlePrince:
suen la... *aiii* you know, it took me & my hubby over a year to "shut up" the mouths & convince them about our "baby plan".... ended up my hubby didn't say "no", but didn't say "yes" to a baby... he just told his family that "we WILL plan LATER after 2-3 years" whether or not we want a child. so until that 2-3 years time frame is over, they can't nag me to poop out a kid~
in this topic, there are:
1. group that has good relationship & similarities with lai-lai's that never gone through the troubles/concerns as:
2. group that has differences with lai-lai's (like me & you)...who knows very well that communication & compatiblility is not as simple as what group 1 & the following group says.
3. unmarried people, who uses a logical solution to try & apply it to a more "intimate" relationship... because they haven't yet gone through it themselves... so they don't know that they cannot treat relatives (lai-lai's in this case) the same way as they treat other people, other instances.

yellowapple:
it's not like i don't know any "good cases" living with lai-lai geh~ one of my hubby's "friend" lives with her hubby's entire family. they seem to get along well together because they have the same traditional goal...and that is: women are supposed to be a good housewife, they exist to serve men & reproduce. that's why that wife & that lai-lai get along together & serve the rest of the family (all males) like maids, & they're happy to do so. (note: all the males, as in dad, bro & the husband, cannot cook, laundry, takecare of themselves, never done any chores in their life before).

of course, there are other normal & not extreme case of lai-lai getting along with wife geh.... hahaha... just that the case i know of is a bit "odd" ja mah~ LOL

[ 本帖最後由 Alcoholic 於 2008-1-9 08:43 編輯 ]

utopia

Alc,

Listening to what you said about "lai lai", it lead me and caveman had a conversation about what if we get married.... then I have "no eye see".

Given my brother is already married and my mom is very very attached to me.... THEN, his mom is divorce and not willing to get another man in her life...and she does not have too many friends due to her personality.................then should we get triplex rather than duplex???~~~~

They had an agreement long long time ago when he was still with his honger ex gf that her mom said she won't live with them... but now she "pretends" she forgot about it....
And keep mentioning "our house" lately ................... "our house" meaning including her lor~~~~ and caveman really hates her mom living style, he always complain that she makes everything look so countryside, so china...............ai....

Then, when caveman pointed out "our house", she immediately pretends innocent and said, "chuer, by the time you get married I will retired la. I will just go back to China and live with your uncle and auntie. The most you just leave me a spare room and I come back every 6 months"......................

But.......the thing is, his auntie has a granddaughter and a family and his uncle has 3 wives, one in Vancouver, 2 in HK and have so many kids. How the heck that is possible his mom can live with his aunt and uncle ar????

I just very very curious how your hubby turn down your lai lai's offer by living with you two..........................I have no eyes see lor...........PLUS, I rather let my mom raise my kids in the future since my mom was a teacher when she was young.............I don't want my kid to learn anything "so china"..............................

blueprint

Hey Alcoholic,  you seem to leave one group out:

4.  group that has good relationship with mother-in-law despite of the differences, had been and/or still going through tough times, troubles and/or concerns

I don't think anyone here is telling you or others to stop discussing.  It's better to reread all the posts in this thread carefully, then you may see the main point emphasized again and again is - try to turn all the complaints to a more constructive actions.  Constructive in a sense that you are aware of the conflicts whatsoever, and willing to bring them to the least.  Be proactive, not reactive.  

Not saying you are not, Alcoholic.  I see that you've been doing your bests.  Keep it up.  Remember though, when you are FIRM on your own preferences, you are responsible for the role you have created with your mother-in-law and your hubby.

Alcoholic

blueprint:
there is no group #4 because that's the same as group #2. Me, LittlePrince, 華美子 etc have differences with lai-lai's yet we still have a good relationship with them. & we know there are many more concerns to come in the future.

if there really is a group # 4, it would be the group where: wife & lai-lai have differences/concerns, & have bad relationship with lai-lai by clashing with them head-on hard.

if you read carefully, just because we're venting/analyzing or even "complaining" as some people calls it here, doesn't mean our relationship is bad wor. that's because we're dealing with it in the most beneficial neutral way, which means, we ACCEPT the differences. but that does NOT mean we agree to the facts of those differences wor. just because we "yield" to the lai-lai's doesn't mean the relationship is bad, or that we're grieving over how poor we are. when has ANY sort of relationship been perfect without any "yielding"? So i think it's just that just because we word it differently than you, doesn't mean we're not doing something constructive & proactive either. and no, i don't think we're getting the idea that discussion is not encouraged here either... or else this would have ended when other opinions started to voice out.

of course we C9's should be firm on our preferences & choices because each woman have different values. to me, even if you're a full time dependant housemaker, you should still be independent with your mind & personal goals. We live for ourselves, for CREATING our own family.... but not REVOLVE around a family. our actions of course will affect people... but people are not an effect of actions. so logically, roles should not change. for example, our role is very clear: the wife, the daughter-in-law.

Twin,
mo ga... the way we deal with the "moving in" thing is simple. lai-lai say in "jokingly tone". he responsed in a non offending vocabulary in a jokingly tone too. however, if anything is asked seriously, you should answer seriously. it was easier for us to get off the hook cus his mom has a house, & my hubby's sibling is not married yet & still lives at home.

from the way i see it, you get your @$$ prepared to live with caveman mom duo duc la. all your future lai-lai has left is YOUR CAVEMAN. & as a good guy like your caveman... i think he will not turn down his mom, & your caveman has a very strong sense of being a real man. no method, he will most likely take responisbility of the damage done by the upper generation (divorce), & take respect by taking care of his mom.

[ 本帖最後由 Alcoholic 於 2008-1-9 11:09 編輯 ]

utopia

ai.......................... twin,

We preparing the worst to buy an older house with basement and give up renting out the basement...........and let his mom to live in there lor.............. we don't want to live with her.

Lately, we had quite a few conversation about this topic... he always ask me why does he has to suffer from the problem create from last generation. Why does he has to be responsible for his mom's mistake...and I just keep silent lor. As you mentioned, he always want to be a real man and be responsible...so this is like a no turn back question ..............ai..............

His mom is getting old and acting more like a old lady lately...so that's why we have been discussing this topic lor as we are trying to save up for down payment and everything lately................

Last time after we snowboard, caveman and I cannot even move and we ate already. His mom mentioned a few time to go out for dinner....me being soft heart and seen his mom looks tired after work and dun want to cook...so no matter how sore our body, I said it's ok we can still eat with you even we ate a bit before...............and in his car, he "inch" his mom said "if it's another way, we wants to go out to eat and you are tired, you won't go with us la" and his mom answer "hai gai, if I am tired, I wont' go with you for sure" which pissed us off so much but we cannot say anything..................because we had bad experience to discuss stuff with his mom...

He forced his mom to face the fact in the future and asked his mom, why does she always mentioned caveman will give her couple hundred a month in the future when he was trying to finish his double degree so hard now without her support on tuition??? Why does she always have to brag about his cousin, how good they are doing in school (doctor, master blah blah blah), and they have full support from their dad......................... and his mom end up crying and tell everybody that she feel so sad that his son said these and dad...........but his mom keep mentioning issue like that lately .......and it becomes very annoying and irritating...................It's not like nobody after her since she looks fine at her age...............she has an old white guy after her and that guy is super rich........., she has cook likes her in the past, and she turn him down.... she is the one who responsible for loneness.......and she ruined the marriage ..........herself.......and that's why her husband went out with other woman lor.......

p.s. Sorry twin for bringing up this topic and I'm not even married yet, but this become an issue to us lately.......

big_tooth

I guess the trouble is that when we post a reply that is somewhat on the mother-in-law side or those who suggest a solution, we immediately get put into either group 1 or group 3.