blueprint

I see Alcoholic. I misunderstood that you mean bad relationship for #2.  Because I saw you saying "say no more, shut up" couple of times, so I misunderstood that you think others are telling you so.  

As I've said, I think you have been doing good job already.  I'm just encouraging you and all to stay proactive.  For be firm on preferences topic, I mean because you, me and other daughters-in-law here are responsible for our actions, we can then choose to be happy.  

Alcoholic

big tooth:
well... is there another group that is unknown for then??

blueprint:
well, when you don't like something, of course you want "no more", & when people talk unreasonable bs, of course in your heart, you wanna tell their faces to "shut it". of course, no matter how we think, we can't really say it. so as i said before.... keep it to yourself, comfort your temper, make the problem down to zero. and it is to our benefit to speak our hearts here online, being private, 1/2 annoymous. it illustrates the true feelings, any frustrations of all housewives (even the ones that get along great with lai-lai's with no friction). i glad that i explain it more clearly to you blueprint i know that we're all typing with our feelings/thoughts... but other LYK can only read black & white words off of a screen~

since we all have a "good relationship" with the lai-lai's & no head-on collisions, i think ALL of us is doing a good job. not that other suggestions are not logical/good/useful. just that if we all are doing smoothly, then whatever way we're doing it is just fine.

so voicing out/reminding other options is great, but asking people "why you didn't try this", "why you didn't do that", "maybe you aren't trying hard enough" when we ALL are old enough, mature & KNOW/STATED that these options ARE open (just we didn't take those options).....is kinda....not rude... but not "understanding". that's why i say that not all logic can be applied to all situations/ relationships/ communication. so please don't say that we are not welcoming other opinions/suggestions, nor that we did not consider trying those lor. so to answer big tooth's concern, i would say that is the only  little bump of trouble here in this thread.

Twin,
it's great that you join into our C9 chat here. i think it's beneficial to other girls that will plan to get married one day.
caveman's mom feels insecure. so all that allowance hinting, "our house", etc is because she wants attention/ care...i know that you know, but when you're in her shoes, care is never enough. just like my lai-lai gum. i know sometimes she gossips, say things out of nowhere... but i know she's bored. she needs attention. she needs someone to be sitting in her face to TALK to. that's what she needs. if i just date her out by myself for lunch/dinner/anything... i make her happy just by listening to whatever she says, & let her know that after eating, i'll PUI her go here to buy/do whatever. in a way, my lai-lai is like caveman mom too. she's insecure. my hubby's dad is always not around. as i say, my hubby's sibling is barely at home, or even if at home, always in room, or watch tv him/herself...while lai-lai watches her own tv by herself
as for blaming her for loneliness... to be honest, that's kinda bad to say >__<. cus even IF she really DID screw up her marriage... just losing hope, or not truely liking someone new enough to make another committment in her life (even if not get married) is not her fault geh. 2 separate things. when a woman has been insecured, scared for LONG period of time like that (including my lai-lai, a bit of my mom too)... they over do things i know. for one fact, they older generation are USUALLY pretty tough yet stubborn. BUT, we can't really blame them all for stubborness because they did not experience what we experience now, & not as much education as us. you  know what i mean?

[ 本帖最後由 Alcoholic 於 2008-1-9 14:01 編輯 ]

chunsh

原帖由 utopia 於 2008-1-9 11:15 發表
ai.......................... twin,

We preparing the worst to buy an older house with basement and give up renting out the basement...........and let his mom to live in there lor.............. we don ...

how old is your bf?
is he living with his mom?
if so, it is his RESPONSBILITY to give $$ to his mom, becos he is using the resouces (land, house, car, food, etc)
and even once u guys get married, if his mom and dad are getting old and lost the ability to make $$, it is also his RESPONSIBILITY to feed his mom.
Why? SIMPLE!!! in the previous twenty something years, besides feeding him, bring him to see doctors when he got sick, who gave your bf a "home" (not just house)

you said yr bf wants his mom to "face the fact in the future". Accroding to your wording, is the fact equals to "Mom, since you don't support me economically for my university degree just like other rich hongers, so I won't take care of you and dad after u guys getting old. Dont even think of it"??

sorry if I misunderstood your bf, but he sounds to me that he not only doesnt want to take care of his parents in the future, but also try to blame them not to give support for his degree. And at the beginning of the quoted text form yours, you sounds like your bf and you just treat his mom as a begger or burden. Come on! be a man who take care the ones who used to take care of u

utopia

Don't worry, you misunderstand the situation because you do not understand the full story . You are just looking at it from a normal family perspective jei.

Ok, let's talk about the money issue. Caveman already help his mom to do a lot investment. Those money are more than enough for her retirement and he used those money to purchase two apartment in China and one of them are renting out already so she has consistent extra income.

About taking care of him, like bringing him to doctor. Well, for sure she is not a bad mom and she does care about caveman too but........unlike normal kids. She wasn't there for him from age 7-14. She flied to Singapore and Canada with his dad to "repair relationship" and left him alone in China with his uncle, auntie grandparents. For that 7 years, he was kicking around between relatives houses.

We are not (both caveman and I) criticizing her for not taking care of him, or else we won't try to pui her even she get annoying sometimes but that does not court as forcing the son to be responsible for her mistakes.

If we do the math, from age 1 - 7. He was either taking care by maid or staying at both side of grandparents' house. From age 2-5, he was in private school 5 days a week, only see her and his dad during the weekend. Until 7, he was no longer in private school and was expecting to spend most of the time with parents where marriage affair happened. Both parent did not discuss with him but gave him final notice that they have to go somewhere very far.............

So from age 14 (that's when she divorce) til now, she trying to make up those years, and cook so much for him (base on her taste, she insist to cook something she likes even caveman and I don't like oily food............she just make a whole bunch)........ and cook "leung chai" for him.......... Seeing doctor issue was done by himself or relatives for the past years........ wait, she did help him once, few years ago when he was extreme sick and has to send to ER to see doctor.

utopia

Also, Chunsh, we do not see auntie as a burden initially. But com'n, his mom occasionally make comparison which ............... very annoying.

When caveman happily tell her that he got scholarship, his mom will say "whoever cousin" is doing doctor or his cousin is working in HSBC with a Master. Or will say something like, oh son, what's CA? Why don't you finish CA in the future? Then, later, she will say "son, when will you graduate and get married"

Or worst, she will keep saying "ai, the government will give me yeung lo gum, then you can give me couple hundred every month". The fact is, without she saying that to us or not, we already planned to give her money in the future but she just keep bringing it up which give us so much pressure.................... Then she will continues saying his cousin give his auntie 800 a month and the sister give the auntie another 800, and she has a house and she has 1600 a month..................and how good those two cousins are, they are both master...............

You see what I mean? Caveman and I both respect her and take care of her but she just take it for granted without appreciating. Talking about feeding him, he try to help her with most of the expense. He paid for all the groceries, paid for the gas for his mom. The only thing he did not pay is the rent of the house. If he is not being responsible, he can go ahead and just like most honger kids. He takes care of everything in this family...............................all he needs is his mom's understanding and encouragement but his mom occasionally brag about how good her side relative are to him and to me.............which is nothing to do with us at all..........

big_tooth

Yes, there is another.  I believe my wife belongs in that group.

Alot of what you guys said here, we have experienced too (not all, but alot of them), and of course we've experienced things that were not mentioned here as well.  Yeah, we didn't like some of the stuff, but my wife would try to understand why my mom or her mom were doing what they did.  And she can often comes up with a logical explanation to what we at first thought were illogical behaviour.

Again, I don't think there is any problem with venting frustration, but I do see it as harmful to ourselves when we only want to vent and not accepting to hear advice or negative comments.

Alot of the problems with in-laws are due to misunderstanding, or lack of willingness to understand, and some of the examples given here I can somehow picture the mother's side of argument.  When we understand the other side, there really isn't much left to complain about.

(And I do also realize there are really terrible inlaws...mother or daughter or father or son)

utopia

The reason why we want her to face the fact is not solely we don't want to live with her.

we are doing that for her own good too. She has been to Canada for almost 20 years I think? She is not one bit adapt to the life style in Canada at all and she likes everything in China and so proud of it. She even told me "Utopia, Guazhou is so much better than Hong Kong and nicer than HK, HK cannot compare to Guazhou". She always love her sibling in China ............... and she will not eat anything western in Canada and think everything in Canada is expensive and she cannot speak English after 20 years in Canada.

We do not want her to be like those seniors in Chinatown moving like a zombie and go to the bank teller and screaming. She will have a better life in China while spending time with her sibling.

And sorry if I use the wrong tone but we never complain to her in "one bit" about she did not support his degrees like other honger parents. We don't mind at all but we mind when she brag in front of us how she "paid for his school" when that is not the fact....... We mind that when she brag about those cousin are so good when we know the fact deep down they did not spend time with their parents like we do...........
We mind that when she twist all the facts in order to fulfill her pride.........

CWong

点解只係講奶奶同新抱？唔通老爺同新抱、或者女婿同外父、外母、姑嫂、叔嫂都冇問题？淨係女人同女人至有問题？

Yui

lyk各路溝通高手,請指點一下我應如何說服我老爺奶奶改善(不是改變)他們的生活方式?

我老爺奶奶是80年代初從大陸移民來溫哥華的老華僑,故鄉是'鄉下',(在城市近郊以務農為生的那種).盡管他們已來了加拿大差不多30年,但其'農民生活模式'多年不改.

他們不願意用洗衣機,乾衣機,喜歡所有衣服都用手洗和涼衫,會把室內有暖氣出的位置都掛些衫褲.奶奶更要堅持把衣服揚開涼,會把衣服poo在沙發上,椅背,樓梯欄杆這些位置. 由於天天洗衣,這種情況天天發生.

奶奶對收集膠袋膠盒鐵罐之纇的東西情有對鍾,收集一大堆又用不著,就隨意堆機在廚房一角.

她亦有把wet膠袋掛在窗口當眼處風乾的習慣.她知道我不喜歡,趁我上班的時候才涼.但我有時候早下班,會從遠處看見自己家的客廳窗口有個紅膠袋在隨風飄揚,入門後樓梯欄杆掛著內衣襪子,那種厭惡感湧住上心頭...有時會忍不住面黑,但從未宣之於口

打開雪櫃會看見大量紅白黃膠袋重重包圍的食物,膠袋裡面是甚麼,放了多久,我從來不知亦從不過問.我們分開吃,所以我只會用自己處理過的食物.

奶奶信佛,喜歡一邊看電視,一直'南麼阿彌陀'...我無法說出口叫她收聲.私下跟老公說過,但知道這是奶奶過去20多年的習慣,我也不忍要老人家難堪.最後甚麼都沒說.

奶奶很念舊,從不扔東西,到今時今日還用著1980年從中國大陸帶來的衣服鞋物,有時同她上街飲茶,坦白說她的打扮會讓我覺得很尷尬.她打死不肯在這裡買衣服,試過買了一堆新衣服給她當禮物,她通通給refund去,一件不留.不管老爺,老公都說新衣服好看200倍. 她依然故我,作農婦打扮上街.唉...

如果你是我,你會點做?

utopia

Yui,

for your case, I cannot give any suggestion since they are so old and have been to Canada for so long....

Your case is similar to caveman's mom, she been in Canada for almost 10+ years but she did not change one bit of 農民 style...........but not as extreme as your lai lai because at she was "a manager in an international trading company" back to the days when she was in China............................ but still have 農民 style.........like knee on the carpet to chop things, buy many useless stuff from China and never throw away..etc etc.

It's hopeless and I don't think they will change because they are old already.
It's like asking ourselves to quit some habit that we have been doing since we were a kid............